Gorging group

Hi! Ok its a while since I last time wrote here. The reason is that I have started gorging  disorder group here in Helsinki, Finland, in Eating Disorder Clinic. We are not allow to weight ourselves, do of any kind of diet or write down our daily eating. We must follow this groups methods and do the given tasks. This group is first eating disorder group that I have ever manage to get in. I haven't been accepted to any kind of dieting groups, except online where anyone can go, always done dieting on my own. Maybe that's why I'm 152 kg, well at least last time I did check, and that's like 2½ weeks ago. One our task is to eat regular meals every 3 hours. These meals are breakfast, (snack), lunch, snack, dinner, evening snack. Other tasks are to eat diversely, eat anything we want, follow our eating hours and do we eat normally or gorging. We also get smaller task to do every week. This weeks task is really hard for me. View very meticulously every area of small journey of your up coming gorging moment. What are you thinking? What did you feel? What things did lead to these thoughts and feelings? Don't write about your gorging moment but for the moment before gorging. It's very important that you know to separate those two from each other. Like we all should know the different between gorging and binge eating. In both cases person eats absolutely too much and doesn't have control of his/hers eating. The different is that gorging people keep the food inside the stomach and gain a lot of weight. Binge eating people don't keep the food in their stomach but vomit their food out of their body, and there for don't gain any weight, more likely they loose some of weight. They are not anorectic people. Well any case this task is causing me headache. I can feel that hole my body and brains are against of this task. They just don't want to go that deep into my thoughts and memories. Why do I gorging all the time? Am I just used big meals and big drinking glasses? Do I just think that It's normal to eat 2-3 kg of satsuma at one go? Am i just used to eat all alone and not to share ice cream jar? Do I even have gorging disorder? To gorging disorder belongs heavy guilt feelings, strong emotions when eating, uncontrolled eating, fast eating, misery for food, life is one strong eating environment, you have love relationship with food, food controls persons life, food feels too good, you choose food over life, food temptations are too hard to resist. I could go for ever! The list is long. Longer then what we wanted. I always knew that my relationship towards food isn't the best. But now in this group, when you are allowed to internalize that you really have eating disorder called gorging, I don't feel like I'm eating wrong or even have gorging problem! My mind is twisting. I have had a restless feeling for all the time this group has existed. I try to learn the things they teach and tells in the group, but I have started to follow my own path, which is completely wrong thing to do right now. My mind is twisting the info, so that it fits to my thoughts and not the truths' or the new info I'm getting. The day after tomorrow we have again the group, this is the fourth time we gather.