The Dream of mine at night between 9.9-10.9.2017

I woke up this morning at 6.05 am. Completely awake. Reason? I had odd dream at night. In it there were two different kind of man, a my old primary schools cross road, poor old village, drunken hansom man, odd quite rich man, my mom, and me, time claps goes from 2020 to mid 1925 in old rich mans village. Main story is that I was little drunken, I was walking in Pihlajisto, still living in my childhood home but now as an adult. I meet in the Pihlajistos' center, two dark drunk man, they try to get me to bus, I'm looking for bus to go to Dentist to malmi, except Malmi is located in very far place, where you need to take high way and a train (reality, its like 10 min buss trip away), busses come but i'm too drunk to manage to even react to buss or even to see the buss number. In my dream I'm waiting for bus 69. These two men helps me eventually get the buss and train to dentist, on this part of dream, I make out with both of the men, and get crush on dark drunken man, but I also noticed this gentleman dark quite man. Well this love drama get pause when I get to dentist. By this time and during my dream, all my upper jaw teeth have been drop of or gently got off, last small front teeth get out when touching them in dentist. So i'm half toothless by now, I can been my gum without teeth. And I realize all this happened because I didn't wash my teeth. Then the love story continued in dentist, now in old 1925 forest village, and everyone speaking English. I'm in love with drunken man, there is a young woman, who dreams about this man. During of my dream both of them shows their nudity body parts to me and other people. Drunk man in all over the heels in love with me. But me and my mom talked, and we need the money to pay the huge bill. So I drop of my love story with drunken dark man, get to known rich dark man, get nice dress, and money and coupons to buy this music mini speaker combined with memory stick that me and my mom really need and want. Then I learn to like him, I even kiss him when my mouth is toothless. He likes to secure his house with security cameras, not to monitor thief but him self. Oh, now we are in mix of 1925 and 2020. I agree to marry him, I have goodbye sex with drunken man, and right after that I had first sex with my future husband, I felt like it was really going on. I was wearing 1925 dress, lot of pearls and I was toothless. Then my alarm went on. Argh. The dream was long, interesting, very detailed, full of imagination.

Problems, ideas, thoughts and worries

Almost one month ago, I did had my 33-year-old birthday. That has make me worried. Because I only got 7 years to loose weight, find a partner, get pregnant and have three children and maybe get married. If I get my only child at 40, I won't see grandchildren to grow. And if I don't have kids at all, my life will be dull for the next 55 years and there is no point just breathe, sleep and be alive. Life have to have meaning. I'm now 152,6 kilos and not loving my life. I just sit all day long, doing nothing. In this weight that I'm now, I can't really do much. Except be on a diet and try to loose the weight. Goal is to weight 100 kilos on 3rd of September 2018, that's one kilo a week. Which is doable if I do exercise at least 5 times a week. I have some group exercise every week. Here is my timetable:

                         Monday:             aqua gymnastic exercise group
                         Tuesday:              gym on my own
                         Wednesday:        gym on my own
                         Thursday:            gym on my own
                         Friday:                 aqua gymnastic exercise group

Weekend is resting and on every Sundays I meet my sister and do some activities together. On exercise I start by doing little each time, getting used to be on the move. Then gradually I will increase active time but staying on five times a week. Goal is to be able to move one hour by end of November and then have one tough six month workout. When I challenge my self over and over again. And learn how to get my work out as part of my life for rest of my life. But than again, I always get excited and start plan things, but when its time to do something, I never do. For example my garden, I have cut the grass exactly two times this summer + what one other person did. I haven't take care of my garden at all. I have big job ahead and though of it makes my motivation go down. My dreams are big, major big, the biggest you can ever dream on. But my skills are zero, motivation in the bottom, physic ability zero, financial status zero. Dreaming doesn't make any harm, but when you belong to the bottom of food chain, its hard to get up or even make it to the top. Just sec ago when I was laying on the bed in the sun rise, I imagine that I had built a barn and turn it into wood workshop, small bathroom and kitchen and the end of the space into amazing living space with balcony where six people can sleep and with huge end windows. Only the barns' outside frame, roof and part of windows where made ready for me. Others job task I could imagine my head me doing them. And I even know the place where I would like to build this dream of mine. But any case, first I need to get healthy and loose the weight before I can even take my first step in any direction in my life. Heart attack is closing by, diabetes, high cholesterol, stroke, you name it. I'm not in the path of chasing dreams, I'm on the path of dying young. I always imagine that some one close person would die, and it would make me change the course of my life. But It more likely that someone might get the shock when I die. I don't wanna die, I wanna be able to live my life to it fullest, not just sitting inside four walls. And lets be realistic, I have lived inside four walls since I was 10-year-old, that's twenty years, and I still got about fifty years left be before I end up in elderly peoples home, inside four walls. So basically I haven't had any better life than the old peoples who have been trap in their homes because they can't manage to get out the house because of physical limitation. I'm young, the physical limitations are in my head, and the current physical conditions are cause by me and me alone can fix them too. I got fifty summers, autumns, winter and spring ahead of me, half of that time goes raising children, other time enjoying the life. What all thing I wanna do when I'm in that condition? Sub-boarding, adventure park, hiking, take canoe trip, downhill skiing and skiing in the forest full of snow, built a snowman and snow castle, camping, built a house, swim with my dog, walk all over the place, see foreign countries, see royal wedding, see my cousins and relatives, travel to Lapland to see Santa Clause and sleep in glass igloo, see The Great Wall of China, visit New York, see great whale in Island, visit Sahara and pyramids, see safari, make one month volunteer work, be box collector in charity societies (roosa nauha, punainen risti, nälkäpäivä, kummit ry), bicycle everywhere, walk marathon, do caravan a round Finland and Nordic countries, visit friend Stephanie in Australia, buy a new clothes in Oxford Street London, take part to Samba carnival, go to Kumpula's lido, and all nice things... that involve me moving and doing things.